Center of Gravity

caffeine and me

For the past three months, caffeine has been my two-faced best friend. I would take 100-200mg of caffeine three days out of the week: on Saturday to write, on Sunday to run, and on Monday to recover. I fell into this routine primarily because I was training for the LA Marathon – without it, the exhaustion from the long runs would ruin my weekends. After the big race I was sick for a week, and I needed caffeine every day just to survive. Iced coffee and black tea were the puppet strings that carried me through. But after? Absolute rock bottom. The combination of sick recovery, post-race depression, and caffeine crash wrecked me completely. As I suffered through the worst comedown of my life, I asked myself: What is caffeine to me really? What is its place in my life?

Let’s call it what it is. Caffeine is a drug, drugs are tools, and as far as tools go, this one is very versatile. Tea is a grounding current, coffee is a burst of sparks, energy drinks are lightning storms. When I’m rested, caffeine makes me feel unstoppable, more “like myself”. When I’m exhausted, it softens me like ice cream; I melt through everything with ease. If I want an explosion? A vodka redbull goes nuclear. Mixing it with weed rips off the ceiling and sharpens the clouds. Caffeine can do it all.

But then, there’s the question – is the high worth the crash? For caffeine, the answer has always been kind of. It’s pretty much perfect on paper. It supports my lifestyle more than other substances, its cheap, its everywhere. More than that, it’s accepted. Why, then, have I always struggled to find a comfortable place for it in my life?

not for lack of trying

I’ve tried daily use, which simply doesn’t last. Day 1 is “wow! how come I don’t do this every day!” and by day 6 its “damn, I hope it hits this time”. Daily coffee drinkers will swear it doesn’t have an effect on them, but in the same breath say they need it to exist. This confused me for a long time, but then I realized what they were really saying: they don’t need it for a boost, they need it to be normal. That’s their choice, I respect it, but for my purposes? I want coffee for the energy, and if I lose that aspect, I’ve lost the plot. Daily use isn’t for me.

The other option is spreading it out. Staggering my doses across the week raises the highs but also deepens the lows – no more diminishing returns. This is very effective. Hell, I trained for a marathon on this routine. However, it only works if you’re willing to routinely suffer every week as you crawl your way through the comedown. It also demands a hell of a lot of willpower – every single Tuesday was a mental battle of telling myself not to make a cup of tea. It sucked every single time.

For me, there’s no painless way to have it. I probably shouldn’t be surprised; This dichotomy exists with all drugs. Imagine for a second that, instead of coffee, we all took a little edible in the morning. First of all, that would be hilarious and fucking rad, but more importantly, the effects would disappear in a matter of days. The other method is just the same – I used to smoke Just On The Weekends to chill out, but just like coffee, the comedown on Monday was always brutal. Upper or downer doesn’t matter – it’s not the drug that gets used up; it’s me. It’s my chemistry.

what if i just stop?

I don’t think caffeine – or any drug, really – is bad. If it fits in your life in a way that uplifts you, if you can navigate the drawbacks in a healthy and responsible way, then why not? Smoke em if you got em. What I’ve realized, though, is that caffeine doesn’t work for me long term. It worked for the race, but I’m not running from anything anymore.

For me, it goes deeper than the simplicity of caffeine = energy. What it’s really about is autonomy. Caffeine warps shape, alters perspective, accelerates time – it redefines how I fit in reality. It’s subtle but undeniable. I want to see the raw baseline, what I’m capable of on my own rhythm. This isn’t about purity – true purity is a myth; countless stimuli constantly shape our reality. I’m quitting caffeine for intimacy – so I can see how my own energy expands when it doesn’t come from a cup or a can.

Using caffeine isn’t “cheating”, sobriety isn’t “better”. They’re just different ways of being, and I forgot how to be good at both. I’m ready to remember.

things lost & gained

The thing is, I really enjoyed having caffeine in my life, not just because of the energy spike, but because of the challenge. Mastering my dose, timing my cafe runs, and experimenting with different varieties were all fun in their own right. There was even romance in the comedown. As much as it sucked, the feeling of raw exhaustion and over-extension was grounding, a reminder that I was still here. I’ll miss all of that.

On the other hand, I have so much to gain. Learning how to live without it will be an adventure. Proper rest, cleaner foods, and better hydration are new horizons to master. I’ll be saving money and, more importantly, time – no more planning my weekends around cups of coffee. I’m excited for deeper sleep, and maybe, less nightmares. But most of all? I can’t wait to see what it does for my creativity. Caffeine amplified my work, but it also directed it. Going clean will cut out the noise. I’m ready to find what’s waiting in the silence.