Center of Gravity

Life is in flux. It’s exciting but it’s exhausting too. It’ll be a while longer before I nail everything down. Until then, this is where things belong.

Things that belong in the morning

• Exercise. I like to do this in private. Physical exertion is simple, robust, and directed; low order recalibration so I can think straight. A long run before sunrise is like dreaming.
• Vanity. I spend a lot of time looking in the mirror. I’ve been meeting a lot of new people recently and I’m internalizing their comments. This is healthy for now.
• Groceries. Nobody is at the Vons at 6am. I make a list in my little journal and forage as fast as I can. Groceries are the most exhausting errand. I consider it a win if I only go once a week.

Things that belong in the day

• Eating. Recently I’ve been doing 1.5 meals a day. I try not to eat anything after 4pm; my body doesn’t’ like heavy digestion. Snacks are appealing (I’m a fan of goldfish and triscuits).
• Socializing. I have the most energy when the sun is out. I have a perpetual smile on my face, and I laugh as much as I can. I like to ask questions. It gives me something to think about after I leave.
• Autopilot. Daytime is a fugue state. It’s a strange phenomenon, as if me-during-the-day is a different consciousness from me-at-home-alone. They have conflicting interests and a differing pain tolerance.

Things that belong at night

• Cooking. Exhausting, therapeutic, and deeply satisfying all at once. I try to make something new every week to keep myself sharp.
• Books & Movies. During the day I empty out; nighttime is when I refuel. I stockpile information like ammunition.
• Intuition. When I need perspective, I’ll do a tarot reading and some light study. I charge my crystals on the full moon and I always meditate before bed.

Things that belong everywhere

• Schoolwork. It’s harrowing to have such singular focus, but the intensity is familiar and welcome. I make a game of staying ahead.
• Self Evaluation. Lots of surface area right now. I tend to think of myself in the third person. Once I feel like I’ve fixed myself into a rhythm, I’ll feel safe enough to re-enter my body.

Things that don’t belong anywhere

• Reaching Out. I’m so focused no my immediate surroundings, I’ve drastically slowed down on reaching out to friends that aren’t a part of my daily schedule. This tends to happen with big life changes, but the real ones know I’ll come back when I can.
• Writing. I’ve had the worst creative block for the past month. I’m glad to be on hiatus from TTRPG’s because it feels like everything I touch falls flat. When I sit down to write, everything is meta and banal (keen-eyed readers will note that this post is basically identical to the last post, just with more meat). Who wants to read about how hard it is to write? I don’t. Still, I’m proud that I’m still posting, and I’m giving myself the space I need. A friend told me to chase inspiration. I’ll try.

This is the official anniversary post for Center of Gravity – the 53rd total. When this publishes it’ll be almost exactly to the date. I haven’t written at length (or at all, really) about what this all means to me, and I definitely won’t be doing that today, but while I’m here I’ll say this: I’m glad to be here a year later, still kicking despite it all. More to come. Thanks for standing by.